An evening in Dubai during the height of the pandemic, this night was one to remember. Here I am riding on a camel heading to a dinner in the desert. The air was still and the sky was calm. The food and the hookah was hittin’ too (translated was very good). The night was going really good, but my mind was occupied and for some reason, this time it was noticeable to the people I was with. Towards the end of the night, my friend and I, a successful entrepreneur, and philanthropist were talking about the state of the world and our place in it. I guess my answers weren’t really inspiring to her enough, so she asked me an important question – “Why don’t you let people really know you, like really? I’ve worn the proverbial “I’m good mask” for so long, secretly, I wasn’t comfortable revealing it, mainly to myself. The separation of the creator from the man.
At the time, my career building was on the up. I was working full time, growing my brand and just signed a contract to design a few pieces for a reputable brand for their spring collection. I was being tapped to design, create marketing campaigns, attend panels, engage in fashion curriculum development, building my brand and while working with some of the most creative minds on some very cool projects. Like looking at the college admission pipeline, working on legislation that tackles human and environmental abuse in the fashion industry. It was/is fun and exactly what I want to do. I was growing, but I felt juxtaposed in my own story.
I was doing exactly what I wanted all the while feeling exhausted. Many moments felt like I was just running on fumes. Slowly but surely those fume reserves were getting lower and lower. There was this unhealthy feeling that my next move will make or break me, so every move seems super important that I can’t stop. With everything I was working on, I had to remove something off my plate. In my own therapeutic trial, I noticed that retreating in the background while uncomfortable felt safe. Ironically, I am living my dream. I’d imagine it, but I never thought I’d be able to actually have a hand to create in multiple spaces — . Fashion, film, education, music, theater and more. So if this is my dream, what is this feeling? For a while, I ignored the burnout. The pandemic had only exasperated it and proved that it was necessary to just rest. Was I ok with that? F*ck no. But when the simple things began to get hard, when the things that once brought joy feel like a chore…it sucked. This version of me was winning and I was losing.
At Least I thought I was losing, so I did a social experiment with myself. I asked the question, is out of sight out of mind real? I didn’t post my wins when I didn’t post my losses. I didn’t post the trips to the island or the half a year I spent living in Mexico kicking it with a Mariachi band. My compelling truth though is that my mind was never at rest.
A couple of weeks ago, I sent a friend a happy new year text; he said to me, “personally, I kinda hate the idea of New Year – like you know, New Year, New You in the sense that you’ve not been you for so long and now suddenly you’re new. New Year New You has been played out so much, it just sounds like bullsh*t when I hear people say it, so much that a visceral f*ck you comes out in my mind.” I chuckled while pressing “Haha” on the text. On the one hand, his statement on New Year, New You, kind of resonated, like seriously, new you? But on the other hand, if you have the courage and or audacity to break the symbolic wall or remove the mask, then perhaps “this year” is the year you get it right, right?
The anime geek in me thinks about the chapter/episode in Naruto Shippuden where he trains at the Falls of Truth to obtain the Nine-Tails chakra, a power that could change the world. The waterfall becomes a mirror that reflects one’s true self. To get this power, you need to defeat your true self, the version of you that holds doubt, fear, anger, and anxiety. I’ve reached the point in my career where I can take stock of my failures, victories, and losses. Success is fragile, and this shit is lowkey hard. Sometimes it felt like everyday had an infinite beginning with no actual start or a final ending. That loop was tough. I was letting the title character, the lead character, hide in the shadows. In the face of action and growth it presented as a lot of inaction. The conflict was 100% internal. After being approached so many times to explore a side that I instinctively hide, I finally agreed to do it, to let y’all in.
My friend’s text ended with, “I’d think for both of us it’s that opening up, unleashing, becoming more of who you are and meant to be….” I can’t say something had changed, but deep down, it lit a spark. It gave me the bravery to metaphorically travel to the Falls of Truth and begin training to face my inner self. And the goals are clear, flow in transparency, believe in myself again, and rid the inner conviction of worthlessness. Do you ever feel like you’ve made it? I promised someone who passed some time ago that I would be great and remain open to the journey. This piece isn’t a piece shitting on New Year’s, New You. It is a piece that encourages transparency and facing you. It’s to write and tell your own hero story. Anxiety can’t coexist with faith and trust. So New Year, New You? Perhaps, I’ll see you there if you have the audacity to do it.
